Its been two weeks since I last wrote about my weight loss. I won’t call it a ‘weight loss journey’ because quite frankly that saying makes me want to vom (aren’t I adorable!?!). I’m kind of at a crossroads at the moment. I’ve lost 1 stone 4lb, but with all my maintaining and ‘off plan’ weeks it took me 9 weeks to do that and now of course I’m on week 11 and I’m no further forward.
It’s making me doubt whether I’m cut out for losing weight on my own, without the support and encouragement of a group. I did so well the last time I went to a Slimming World group, losing 4 stone in as many months. But there are none here, so my only option was to join online, yet I almost resent paying to do it online when all I use the website for is to log my weight each week. Surely a spreadsheet could do that for me just as well?
My lack of motivation is a serious issue. I blow hot and cold like you wouldn’t believe. I want to lose weight, but do I want it enough? Do I carry on paying to do follow Slimming World online or do I just do my own thing? Am I even going to lose the weight if I don’t have a support network, like that of a group, to keep me going?
When you have a lot of weight to lose, like I do, it can be so daunting. I might have lost 1st 4lb, but I’ve got at least another 7 stone to go. You’re told to break it down into more manageable chunks, but even they seem out of reach when your weight loss seems to be so much slower than you’d hoped. I originally wanted to lose 2 stone by the end of March, but I hadn’t even got a stone off by then, so my 4 stone target by mid July (my birthday) is looking like it definitely won’t be within my grasp.
I always have it in my head that losing the weight that I need to lose to get down to a healthy size will leave me with so much loose skin I’ll end up wishing I hadn’t bothered in the first place. Who wants to be left with a stomach that you can roll up and tuck in your knickers? Or boobs that look even more like spaniels ears than they do already? Yes of course there is surgery to help with that, but I don’t have a spare £10k lying about ready to give my saggy stomach and boobs the tlc they will no doubt require once I do lose the weight. Is being fat the lesser of two evils? Of course my body is no picnic at the moment as you can imagine, I’ve got more rolls than a bakery, put it that way. But it would be soul destroying to finally get all that weight off and still look like crap.
Maybe it’s just another one of my excuses not to tackle my weight. Maybe I’m just being realistic. Whatever it is, I’m really struggling at the moment with my motivation to keep eating healthy and I’ve still barely exercised since I started dieting in February.
We’ve got visitors this week so I know it isn’t going to be the best weight loss wise. But I did weigh in this morning, despite not having done so last week. I think I assumed I’d have put on weight, but I haven’t. So even when I’m not completely on plan I am obviously still making relatively healthy choices at mealtimes and making sure I have breakfast every day instead of skipping it, even if I have had one too many slices of cake over the last two weeks. I guess it’s those habits that have been saving me from gaining any weight.
This week I’ll be happy just to maintain again. I did want to try to fit in some exercise but I’ve woken up this morning with the most horrendous pain in my back, neck and shoulder. Something I’ve been suffering with on the opposite side for a while, but clearly my left hand side felt left out. I can’t turn my head and am really struggling to even pick things up so I think this week will be about taking it easy, enjoying my dad’s company while he’s here and planning for next week when I’m hopefully feeling that little bit more upbeat about the prospect of dieting.
Wish me luck!